7 Days In Puerto Rico

We can skip the flight that delayed us, wasted our entire first day of the trip, and get straight to the interesting and intriguing. When you vacation to a foreign place, you find that the locals are all natives and that the majority of vacationers all resemble you. This is not the case in Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico is filled with Puerto Ricans on vacation. We found three couples, out of hundreds of people, who live in the continental United States. I have to admit, that with beaches and a climate like this, what native from here would pick the states as a vacation destination? Still, why are they vacationing in their own country? Before you pull out your graduate degree question- yes, I asked a great majority of them [random sample] if they were native and they all were.

How about their neighborhoods and little shopping areas? Well, they make West Philadelphia look good. They all have rusted metal bars in their windows, dilapidated and abandoned concrete skeletons, more graffiti than Roosevelt Park, emaciated dogs, cats, and wild horses- who owns these horses is a god damned mystery.

The El Conquistador is a sham. What was once a Wyndham resort was refurbished and converted into a Waldorf Astoria, part of the Hilton chain. They charge five star prices, when they are only a four star resort, and are missing the amenities one would find at a cheap one star motel somewhere in New Jersey.

Allow me to enter into evidence, that I am accustomed to staying in three star hotels, all of which had a microwave, a refrigerator and free guest parking.

The El Conquistador/Waldorf Astoria in Fajardo had none of these. Anything you wanted came at an extra cost, somewhere around the convenient price of $20 a day per extra amenity.

The wifi was atrocious, and though I attack it I understand that while I’m on vacation, a computer is the last thing I wish to spend my time using. So, why is great wifi so important? I have an extensive collection of Disney Digital movies for my children, that can be watched from any computer with an internet connection holding a better ping than 133ms and pulling a maximum down of .83Mbps. This is what I get at home on a bad day:

More importantly, when you are attempting to book reservations and read reviews for a night celebrating your wedding anniversary, down-time, or otherwise known as “no internet” is unacceptable- yes, that actually happened on my anniversary, and they transferred me to AT&T Wifi support, where a young woman named Amanda, of whom I have forgotten more shit than she’s learned, was useless. We had broken outlets, deathtraps, an epic fail of a camera, clogged drains, and oh so many other fond memories. This negative tone makes me appear like I am one of those people who would rather stay home and do nothing for seven days and save the money. However, that’s not true- I should have gone to Maui instead.

Little Puerto Rican girls are a pedophile’s wet dream. Little girls, from the states, look awkward and in a constant state of irregularity and development. They look the way they’re supposed to look; like children. They dress the way they are expected to dress; like children. Young Puerto Rican girls have all of the physical attributes of full-grown women. Think of a man standing next to a horse jockey- that is the creepy comparison I think of when looking at these girls. They wear Wicked Weasel bathing suits, which amounts to no clothing at all. This normally wouldn’t be a complaint, but for fuck sake they’re children! Something must be in the food and water. It’s no surprise why they become pregnant at such a young age.

The death trap I was referring to is called a funicular, and is a common engineering solution used on inclines where other forms of transport are not feasible.

However, there are only two, and one of them was broken or under construction for nearly the entire stay. The funicular takes you to the water park, which creates enormous lines of people waiting to get to the park, while my family is waiting to get out of the marina. Six days, and this piece of shit remained out of order on the local and or the express.

When visiting any Caribbean island, the first thing that comes to mind is snorkeling. Well, if there were coral reefs there before, they are gone now. All that remains at the base of the ocean floor is a graveyard where a coral reef once lived. I believe it takes decades for a reef to develop, but only the most miniscule of an assault and trauma to destroy one. Don’t write to me proclaiming how you saw multiple reefs and that I’m wrong in any way. Hawaii has coral reefs more abundant than Puerto Rico could ever dream of having. If they had them at all, someone sure did a number on them.

Lastly, I present my review of the vehicles driven by locals. And yes, they’re cinder-blocks underneath that car.

Apparently, no one has informed them that there exists another manufacturer of automobiles other than Toyota. Of the Toyotas, almost all are Corollas.

Get the picture? It would seem that these people care more about the cars they drive, no matter how shitty, than the homes in which they live. What is left to say about them except that they have an interesting culture, the worst alcohol selection I have ever seen, and too many fast food restaurants? So, seven days later and I can say that Puerto Rico is a tropical ghetto. If there is one thing to say, it’s that I will never be going back there as long as I live.

This entry was posted in Epic Fail, Journal, Rant, Sociology, WARNING. Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to 7 Days In Puerto Rico

  1. Mike says:

    A beach creep post? Or just how bad ass the trip was? OW!

  2. Mike says:

    I think we have a critic! I don’t think she likes the special sauce Rick…

  3. Mike says:

    Holy shit… Did you just add these pictures? I didn’t see them yesterday!

    • Tony says:

      I’m sure all of those pictures were there when it went live. Of course there are tropical views, but why show that shit? Let’s be honest and show what is too often overlooked; the truth.

  4. Shane says:

    Tony, thanks for the trip report! I hope you weren’t too hard on Tegan. As you found out, you stayed in one of the better places Puerto Rico has for a family getaway (says a lot, eh?). The flight is shorter than HNL/OGG and you got to see lots of jail bait that Mike used to try to pick up on South Street hanging on the wall at Blockbuster. 😉 Seriously though, I hope Hilton takes care of you. Those photos should result in tons’o’points and you may want to make a post on Flyertalk with just a review of the hotel alone (with those photos) so future travelers aren’t as shocked as you were. Ttyl!

  5. Rob Conway says:

    Oh man. I couldn’t help but howl in laughter at the ground plug broken off in the receptacle. I don’t know why, but that killed me.
    As my laughter subsists (see how I used subsists instead of subsides, like the opposite of what I did in Scepter?), I’m sorry your trip was so bad. You definitely need to send me those jailbait pics you took, because I know you took them!

  6. Robert says:

    It’s pretty clear from the pics that you had a bad time in P.R……but not all of it is bad…for one…you need to do more research on your places…Try El Rincon next time…plenty of home rentals their with all the amennities of home.

    • Tony says:

      Thank you for the location advice. It was a highly recommended location and said to be family friendly. If I ever go back, I’ll consider your proposal.

  7. Dirty Sanchez says:

    WOW!!!!!! I sugges that you do a little bit more research when you go to the island. All picture presente appear to from areas that are not taken care of and non of them present the culture and the amazing things of the island. This pictures of the rails tell me thats you stays on the east sides in the island. Did you bisit da north, west, south, central? There are far better hotels than el Conquistador which spends most of these times close since there are no big attractiones on thems east side others than outdoor adventures. I suggest that you researches the islands mores and presents the true feces of the island. That is why I goes 4 times a year and vivo in the states just to trabajo.

    • Tony says:

      While I graciously thank you for your suggestions, I must politely decline your offer. If one cannot feel welcome the moment they arrive at their destination, then they won’t feel welcome until they return home. The entire Caribbean understands what I mean, so why was it so hard to find peace in Puerto Rico? Please look to the English dictionary for the definition of a vacation. I have not been back to your homeland, my Hispanic friend, and I’m positive that the both of us are better for it.

      “End of Line”

      -T

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